Banana Ghosts, Haunted Houses, and Decisions

 Sorry, I missed yesterday.  Jon and I stayed up until 12:30 (shocker!) talking.

We watched the Vice Presidential Debate last night.  It was a lot more calm then the presidential debate last week.  However, I am still torn over who I should vote for.  I have never felt so torn about an election before.  I honestly don't know who to vote for.  I don't really feel 100% positive with either candidate.  I don't want to vote for the wrong president and then feel guilty as I watch our country fall apart...I'll feel like I was personally responsible somehow.  I am very upset and torn over the situation.

Last night I went to a YW presidency meeting and we also had an online activity with the girls.  It was a lot of fun!  I love serving in the Young Women's.  It's my favorite calling.  I could stay in the Young Women forever and be happy.

While Jon and I were talking last night, I had an epiphany.  A few years ago, we fasted and prayed about moving to Kentucky.  Jon had been offered a job and we wanted to know if it was the right thing for us to do.  We both felt really good about it.  We booked airplane tickets to fly to Kentucky and go house hunting.  The day before our flight, we learned of something that made us realize that Kentucky would not be an option for us.  We were devastated.  We turned to a talk by Jeffrey R. Holland to give us peace and comfort during that time.  In the talk, He told of an experience that he had with his son.  They were driving on a road and they came to a fork in the road.  The didn't know if they should choose path "A", or path "B".  They prayed about it and felt good about choosing path "B".  Well, they drove on that path for a while until it abruptly ended.  It was a dead end.  As such, they turned around, arrived at the fork, and continued on path "A".  They were able to move forward on path "A" with full confidence in their decision.  Path "A" had to be the correct choice since they knew, with certainty, that path "B" was the wrong choice.

In May, after fasting and praying and pretty much feeling tortured with the idea that I wanted and needed to have another baby (and learning that it wasn't going to happen), I said a very sincere prayer to Heavenly Father and begged him to give me something else to focus on so that I didn't have to be consumed by the thoughts of another baby.  I immediately felt that I needed to go to nursing school.

I jumped on it.  I contacted the counselor, I applied for financial aid, I got my transcripts, etc.  I was going to go for it 100%.

It definitely worked as a distraction.  Until recently, that is.  But, things haven't worked out the way that I thought that they would.  I can't really apply for the program when I don't know what the future will hold.  Will I be homeschooling my kids again?  Or a few of my kids?  What if they are sick?  What if they are experiencing mental illness and they need me?  How can I fully be there for them if I am committing myself so fully to school and a career?  I don't know if I can tear myself into 2 pieces like that.  I'm the kind of person who gives 100% into what I do.

I want to give 100% to my kids.  I really, really do.

So, I came to the conclusion that I will keep myself available for me kids.  I can substitute teach or be an aide at Del Sur.  Or a lunch lady.  Whatever it is, it doesn't really matter.  I just want to be there for my kids.  This is my only chance to be their Mom, full time.

Why did I feel so strongly about nursing school in May?  Perhaps it was an experience like Jeffrey R. Holland described.  Perhaps Heavenly Father knew that my first priority should be my kids, for now.  Maybe he was having me go through the motions of pursuing the nursing program with such vigor so that I could eventually come to the conclusion, on my own, that now is not the time for that.  I had been thinking that my life was over.  I was done having babies and I didn't know what to live for anymore.  The fact is, just because my kids will all be in school next year, I am not worthless as a mother.  My kids still need me.  I can still be a productive member of society, while still focusing on my children.  Heavenly Father needed me to feel good about path "B" (nursing school) so that I would hit a dead end, turn around, and feel good about choosing path "A" (committing myself 100% to my children).

Nursing school can come later...I hope.  And if not?  It's okay.  I will have no regrets of sacrificing my children for my own selfish desires.  I am, by no means, condenming any mother who works.  I sincerely believe that every woman is different and that they all need to make those decisions on their own.  And no one should judge their choices.  But for me, I now feel confident in my choice to quit working and dedicating myself to my children.  There is not better career.

In my patriarchal blessing, it says, "I bless you in time to be a mother in Israel and be guided in the way to teach these spirits that come to you...many take this calling lightly...this is the greatest blessing and power for good that our Heavenly Father has for some of His children."

That includes me!

The kids decorated their Haunted Houses today!

This was their snack from yesterday.  Banana Ghosts and grapes!  Halloween really lends itself to making fun treats for the kids.  I love it!