Still Feeling Sad

 I don't know why, but I still feel sad about being released so suddenly and unexpectedly from my calling in Young Women's.  It was just something that hurt so badly and I'm still feeling the loss.  It's just been such a struggle.  Today I had to go into the Young Women class really quickly because Lizzie was being set apart as the new 1st Counselor in the YW class.  The bulletin board that I put up in January was gone.  The young women class presidency from our new ward was formally released with a vote of thanks...and my heart hurt because the class presidency that I was working with so lovingly over the past year did not ever get such a  former release.  I gave Bailey (the former class president from our old ward) a hug afterwards and told her that I wish that she was released in a similar manner.  It's hard feeling like you were just suddenly erased from everything.  Just being back in the Young Women room brought tears to my eyes.  I wish more than anything that I could still call that room home.  I don't have a new calling yet.  I feel homeless.

I'm really trying to not let it bother me because 90% of our old ward do not have callings yet either.  I'm not the only one who must feel invisible and forgotten.  I feel out of place in our new ward.  It's too big.  Too many people that I don't know.  I feel lost.  Just as I was getting comfortable with our little ward and truly starting to love it...it all came to an abrupt end.

I was feeling awful and cried multiple days this week about my sin of omission last Sunday.  The day that I didn't sit next to Robyn in Relief Society.  It's been eating me up.  I'm fasting today.  I need to feel like I've been forgiven.  I know God loves me and nothing that I do will separate me from His love...but sometimes I just need to feel His love a little more than normal.  I need to be wrapped around in a Heavenly Hug.  Sometimes those hugs come immediately, and sometimes I have to wait.

The kids start school on Wednesday!  My dad, Lisa, Alyssa, and Ellie are flying in on Wednesday night and staying until Sunday morning because Caitlyn Dawn is getting baptized on Saturday at 11:00.  It will be a busy week.  My Dad rarely comes here to visit, so I feel like I have to cook/bake all of my specialties.  I feel like my Dad doesn't really know what I'm capable of.  I'm not really capable of much, but more than what my Dad thinks.  I just want my Dad to be proud of me.  But how can I impress him when he doesn't come and visit?  I'll admit, even at my old age, I felt a twinge of jealousy when I was eating my step-sisters bread and hearing Dad say that it was the best bread he's ever eaten.  He hasn't been around to try my bread.  Or my cookies.  Or anything.  He loves his step kids.  Grace went on a mission.  She's better than I am.  Although Dad fully supports her and didn't offer me any support at all when I wanted to serve a mission.  Oh well. My relationship with my Dad is just another place in which I feel invisible and forgotten.

I'm sorry to be such a Debbie Downer today.  We are studying Job in Come Follow Me this week.  We often just study the beginning and the end of Job.  We leave out the middle.  It's like eating the chocolate and leaving out the peanut butter out of a recess peanut butter cup.  Even Job felt down.  Elijah felt down.  Joseph Smith felt down.  Feeling down is an acceptable emotion to feel.  If we are feeling down and turn to God for support, we are on the right track.

The kids are having a playdate tomorrow, back to school night is on Tuesday, and school starts on Wednesday.  I have online trainings to do.  Next week I can start getting my classroom ready.  I'm excited, but awfully nervous.  Earlier this week I had the thought that perhaps I shouldn't be working.  Maybe I should stay home and be available for my kids 24/7.   But...Jon reminded me that our kids are in school pretty much the same time that I'll be at work.  And if they need something, Jon will be working from home and he can be there for them.  This brings a little peace to my soul, but because I was there for my kids and no one else for so many years, it's a big adjustment for me.  I feel guilt at times.  Am I making the correct choice to return to work?  Or am I just being selfish because I know that I'll get depressed if I don't work?

Anyway, the sister missionaries are going to be joining us for dinner in a bit.  I had better start prepping.

Our week, in pictures:

Lizzie is going to Trek tomorrow!  I hope that I will be able to go on Trek one day...but I doubt they will ever ask me.




The sunrises here in the desert are quite beautiful!





William's 6th Birthday Party!  He wanted a Yellowstone Cake -- It looked great, tasted gross.













William and I after church!




William's Birthday!









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