Another Lag in Posting
I apologize for not writing very often. I have just had a few really bad days this week. Emotionally unstable days where I could barely make myself do the bare minimum. Updating the blog wasn't number one on my priority list. I'm feeling much better now, but I just can't properly document the past week. Sorry!
The days where I experience mental health challenges really get to me. I feel like I'm in a dark place and trapped in my own mind, drowning in negativity, self-doubt, and self-loathing. It's extremely powerful. Thankfully, it is not like that every day of my life, as it is with those who suffer from severe depression. I can't imagine not being able to snap out of it. My "bad days" correlate very closely to my time of the month. For about a week out of every month I feel very poorly, emotionally. It's a hormonal imbalance that I feel is worse than most women. At least I am unaware of any women who suffer from such bad PMS. There is a lot of crying and awful things floating around in my head. If it were like this every day I would get professional help. I don't know if there is anything that I can do for my issues aside from enduring through them each month. I feel bad for Jon, who has to endure my poor behavior each month during my "episodes". Who knows, maybe there is some medicine that I can take to help stabilize me during my hormonal week each month. Those hormonal weeks add up. 12 weeks out of my entire year (3 months) are filled with me fighting my inner hormonal demons.
As a basic recap...
We got a new Stake Presidency this past Sunday. Our new stake president is President Porter, with President Crozier (our old Bishop) and President Johnson as the counselors.
We are still making it through school, one day at a time.
We have been going to Apollo Park nearly every day. It keeps us (me) sane.
I learned some sad news a few days ago. My cousin's little 5-month-old baby died peacefully in his sleep. It is heartbreaking. Just absolutely heartbreaking. One of the worst trials that a mother could ever go through is to lose a child. My heart aches for my cousin (Tiffany).
Tomorrow is our last day of school before Thanksgiving break. I can't believe it! And I'm so excited. I love everything about this time of year. I love Thanksgiving dinner. This year, I'm making rolls with raspberry honey butter, green bean casserole, raspberry ribbon salad, sweet potato casserole, homemade cranberry sauce, deviled eggs, and pumpkin pie bars.
Tara's family is coming to visit for a few days! They will be here Sunday afternoon until Wednesday morning. We are all excited. Jon's parents will be staying with Darlene during that time so that there will be room here in our house.
I wish that I were a better person. I am just not good enough. I wish that I were a spiritual giant. I feel like people become spiritually strong by going through difficult experiences. Maybe I haven't experienced enough difficulty in my life. Maybe Heavenly Father doesn't trust me. Sometimes I feel as if I'm stagnant, waiting to grow and be better...but feeling stuck somehow. I don't know how to explain it. Basically, I don't feel as if I am good enough. I sometimes feel overlooked, even by Heavenly Father. To be honest, I have really been struggling lately with feeling that Heavenly Father isn't answering my prayers. I feel as if I am trying really hard to "Hear Him", but at times it feels as if my prayers aren't reaching past the ceiling. I don't know how to be better. I want to feel the spirit. I want to feel something. I pray and beg Heavenly Father every day to forgive me, hoping to feel some sort of warmth or sensation that I have been forgiven...but I don't feel anything. I told Heavenly Father that I have faith that He is there, even if I have not been able to feel Him for some reason. I will keep on trying even though it seems as if the Heaven's are silent. This is why I need to be better. If I were as spiritually strong enough, I would be able to feel and hear Heavenly Father on a regular basis.
This is my goal...to be so spiritually strong that I can truly "Hear Him" on a daily basis.
Until then, I will just keep doing the small and simple things. One day, by small and simple things great things will be brought to pass. Great things like being able to connect with my Father in Heaven on a regular basis. I can hope and pray that this will be a reality for me.
I haven't taken many pictures lately, but here is what I have!
This year's "Thankful Tree"! I wanted it to look a little better this year, so I worked hard on the tree trunk and branches (ha ha) and I printed, laminated, and cut out actual leave shapes (rather than the ugly random shaped leaves from past years). I actually think it looks like a pretty nice fall decoration. And the best part is that we can re-use the leaves every year! I just need to figure out how laminate a trunk for re-use.
Well, here's to more regular posting! But if not, I know that I can always come back and not feel guilty about it. Some writing is better than no writing at all, right?
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