Two Weeks Down

 The kids have been in school for two weeks now!  Actually, two and a half weeks for the younger four.  Lizzie is nearly done with her 2nd week of Seminary.  She started a painting class at the college this week and next week she will start her Gorman classes and homeschool work.

I think the kids are loving school and are thrilled to be there in person rather than on Zoom.  There was one day when Mason experienced anxiety and had to stay home, but, for the most part, things are going very well.  Mason was worried that he would have to go to the bathroom at school and there wouldn't be any toilet paper.  It doesn't take much to set off his anxiety at times.  He reminds me of myself, ha ha.

I still have not started substituting.  The longer I am not subbing the more I dread it and am becoming petrified of actually getting a sub job.  What if I make a fool out of myself because I don't understand basic elementary curriculum?!  What if I can't figure out the technology?  What if I can't control the students?  So many worries...and no solutions.  I really just want to be a nurse.  But it could take years for me to be accepted into the program, so I need to get used to a different life until then.  I'm leaning more into being a lunch lady or an aide.  Something in the middle of the day that doesn't interfere with pick-up and drop-off.  I want to be there for my kids, I really do.

Honestly, I'm feeling sad, lonely, and depressed.  I feel like I have no purpose in life.  What's the point of those six hours every day when my kids are busy at school?  I'm more stressed trying to keep busy when the kids are at school so that I don't feel lazy or idle.  I wish I could relax...but I'm not the type. I feel like I have to be busy, busy, busy.  If not, I'm overwhelmed with guilt.  I feel guilty if I do, I feel guilty if I don't.  So much pressure.

I signed up to volunteer this week, but they are not allowing volunteers to enter the schools yet due to Covid.  I have been keeping busy, but I can't imagine doing this for an entire school year.  I feel empty when the kids are at school.  It feels so uncomfortable.  I feel complete only when my kids are finished with school and under the same roof again.  My kids complete me.  Without them with me I just don't know how to function or how to navigate my life.  Especially after last year when they were home 24/7.  I miss those days!  I know that I will eventually get used to this "new normal", but for now it is uncomfortable.  Life is all about change and getting used to the "new normals" that life presents you with.  Each time a new baby was born into our family it was an adjustment, but time kept ticking on and life eventually normalized.

I am grateful for the opportunity that I have to serve with the Young Women in our ward.  What an exceptional group of girls that I get to regularly see and spend time with.  They amaze me.  The youth today were saved for this precise moment in time because they are strong, steadfast, and immovable.  We had a fun activity this week.  Each of the they Young Women shared some temple trivia or a temple story and we built our own temples out of marshmallows, and various white cookies.  It was a lot of fun!  I'll share some pictures.  I was reminded of the blessing that I had to grow up so close to the Logan Temple.  I could see it from my bedroom window every morning when I woke up.  It always brought me such peace and happiness.  I remember walking there regularly as a college student (it was so close to the USU campus) and just sitting on the temple grounds brought such peace and reassurance that everything was going to be okay.  Growing up in primary, we learn the phrase CTR (Choose the right).  As a young women, we can also say CTR, but change it to Current Temple Recommend.  If we choose the right, we will be worthy for a current temple recommend.  It's not only about getting inside of the temple...it's about getting the temple inside of us.  If we are worthy enough to hold a current temple recommend, we can be assured that we are on the right path.

I set a goal at the beginning of the year to read the Book of Mormon 3 times this year.  I am almost done with my 2nd time around.  It's been really great.  I'm tempted to finish the year out strong and read it twice before the end of the year.  It's only 4 chapters a day, not too bad.

I've appreciated studying Come Follow Me this week.  We have been learning about the word of wisdom (D&C Section 89).  I have learned that the word of wisdom is not a law of health, but a law of holiness.  I have learned that we are spiritually in embryo.  When we obey the word of wisdom we are promised health in our navel.  When we were in the womb, we received nutrients from our mothers through an umbilical cord.  If we want to receive spiritual nutrients from our heavenly parent, God, than we need to obey the word of wisdom.  The channel in which we gain our spiritual nutrients will remain open as long as we are doing our part to take care of our physical bodies.  Our physical and spiritual bodies are connected and work together to bring us back into God's presence one day.

Anyway, here are some pics of the last few weeks:

Here is our YW Temple Activity!

Lizzie turned 14!  Can't believe it!  She's growing up and turning into such a wonderful young woman.  She requested a vanilla coconut cake.  I love our tradition of having the kids choose whatever cake they want and me making it for them.  It's such a fun part of motherhood.

We had Lizzie's party with Jon's parents and Darlene's family on Sunday, but on Lizzie's actual birthday (Thursday), she wanted a cheesecake.  It was my first time making a cheesecake and it was actually pretty easy!  Craig, Amanda, and Jazzlyn and Kynzlee came for the evening and night as well.  They were on their way home from their beach vacation.  It was nice to see them, if only for an evening.

Mason made this really neat picture for Activity Days last week!