Regrets...If Only I Could Turn Back Time

 I have been filled with so many regrets lately.  Regrets that just overwhelm me and make me wish more than anything that I could turn back the clock.  If I could turn back time I would do certain things differently.  I would say things differently, or not say anything at all.  Not saying anything at all would probably be best.  It seems as if every time I open up my mouth I say the wrong things.  I say things that give people the wrong impression of me.  People think worse of my when I open my mouth and speak.  I think worse of myself when I open my mouth and speak.  Sometimes I just can't take it anymore.  The guilt and regret just overwhelms me and I can't stand myself.

I had to teach the Young Women lesson yesterday, unexpectedly.  I had one evening to prepare.  Just as I sat down to prepare the lesson I found out that one of our Young Women had been in a bike accident and had broken her collarbone and needs surgery.  So I went to the store after the kids were in bed to gather supplies for a "Bag of Sunshine" for her.  I was able to get some google slides together for the lesson, but I didn't feel like I had the spirit or was fully prepared.

When I taught the lesson, I was just not a good teacher.  I spoke too much.  I said things that I regret.  I regret it so badly!  After the lesson I thought of so many other things that I could have and should have said that would have been SO much better.  More spiritual.  More humble.  Things that would have made me a better Young Women's President.  I just don't feel worthy for my calling.  I feel horrible.  I don't feel good enough.  Ever.   I feel like anyone else could have done a better job than me. I feel like a failure and like I'm an awful example to the Young Women.  It hurts so bad.  The guilt is overwhelming me.

I feel like a horrible person.  I pray and pray and ask to be forgiven...but I don't feel forgiven.  I still feel horrible.  I still feel like I'm a disappointment to Heavenly Father and to anyone whom I come in contact with.  I know I am a disappointment to myself.

I have faith that Heavenly Father is listening to my prayers.  I want to feel His presence in my life more than anything.  I beg for it every single morning when I say my prayers.  I want to feel His love.

I have faith that He is listening.  But I don't feel anything.  I want a warm fuzzy feeling from the Holy Ghost.  I want to feel enveloped in the arms of my Savior's Love.  I feel empty.

I know they are there.

Why can't I feel anything?

Am I such a disappointment to them that I can't feel forgiven?  That I can't be comforted in my regret?

Maybe I just won't feel it.  Maybe wanting to feel His love so often isn't realistic.  I know that He loves me, so why do I need to feel it?

Maybe Heavenly Father and I don't speak the same love language, ha ha.

If only I could turn back time and erase the bad things that I have said and done...than maybe I could be happy with myself.  For now...I feel like I'm drowning in these feelings of self-loathing.

I need to feel my Father's love and approval.

Maybe I'll ask Jon for a priesthood blessing...but perhaps I lack the faith that He will say the things that I long to hear and that I will be disappointed.  Jon doesn't lie.  He won't say things that aren't true.  No matter how much I long for and need those things to be spoken.