2021 Summary

I had a really good conversation with Jon last night after the kids went to bed.  We talked about my feelings and why I want to have another baby so badly.  Oh my goodness, I want another baby so badly.  Jon brought up that maybe I'm just having a hard time letting go of the baby/child-bearing stage of my life.  That is an understatement.  I most definitely am having a difficult time moving on.  I miss the baby stage so much.  Honestly, I think maybe I'm feeling a little depressed.  My mind keeps going back to the times in my life where I have felt the happiest.  Those times were the times that I found out I was pregnant, giving birth, and all of the joys that come with having a newborn baby.  There is nothing better than a newborn baby.  They bring so much joy and happiness into a family.  Nothing can compare.  Perhaps, in my mind, I not only want to have another baby, but I want to have another baby so that I can feel those happy, joyous feelings again.  I think I just want to feel happy and I don't know how to feel those deep feelings of happiness in any other way.

We talked and Jon told me that I need to try to find happiness in the 5 kids that we have, in the stage that we are in right now.  And in every stage afterwards.  He said that it was like the parable of the 5 talents.  Some were given 1, some were given 2, others were given 5 talents.  It's what they chose to do with those talents that mattered.  He said that the Lord gave us 5 children, and I should be happy with that and do the best that I can with our 5 kids.  I agree, to an extent...only I don't think that the Lord is stopping me from having any more children.  I told Jon that I feel like he (Jon) is the one that is stopping me from having more kids.  He says that it is a righteous desire to have more kids, but we just have to be done.  This, I think, is the hardest thing for me.  I know that Heavenly Father would bless me with more children if Jon was on the same page as me.  It's been a very difficult thing for me to digest.

I am beyond grateful for the 5 kids that we have been blessed with.  I am just brought to tears when I think about the miracles that each of them are.  After having 2 miscarriages after Bryce, it's a miracle that we had 3 more successful pregnancies after that hard time.  September 25th marks the 10th anniversary of our first miscarriage.  It was so heartbreaking to see a heartbeat on the ultrasound that evening...and then to start having contractions that night and knowing that I was losing the baby.  After two miscarriages, I was so incredibly happy after Mason was born.  Caitlyn was born after my Mom died, and she was a healing gift and balm for me.  She provided me with so much happiness and joy in a sad time in my life.  We were going to be done after Caitlyn.  I knew that we weren't done though.  I begged for another baby...and we got William.  How blessed I am for our "bonus child", William.   I had a c-section with William, which I would have never experienced had I not had him.  I have cried and felt so emotional over the last 6 months, feeling like we needed to have another baby.  And I know that if Jon was on the same page as me, we would have been pregnant again by now. But I can't change his mind on this matter.  I really have to move on.

I am so incredibly grateful for my children.  They are the joys of my life.  The biggest blessing and the reason that I wake up every single morning.  I'm addicted to them.  I couldn't live without them.  This is the best stage of my life.  Having the opportunity and the blessing to raise these precious spirits of our Father in Heaven.  My 5 miracles.  Each and every one of them.

I still yearn to hold a baby.  I'm hoping that I will be able to go to nursing school...and specialize in something that will allow me to work with babies.

The kids and I have been enjoying a new game called "Walk and Talk".  It's self-explanatory.  This game is precious to me.  We walk around our property, or the dirt roads around our neighborhood...and walk and talk with one another.  I have the best boys!

The kids decided that instead of doing "Elf on the Shelf" (which we have never done), they wanted to do Skeleton on the Shelf.  During the month of October I will hide the skeleton in various parts of the house and the kids will find them in the morning.  It will be something fun for them to look forward to.

This little girl is such a character.  She is looking forward to "Jennifer Conference" (General Conference) this weekend.  Last night, when we were reading 3rd Nephi 17, I asked the kids what "bowels" meant.  She got so exited and said, "I know what it means!  A, E, I, O, U!"  We cracked up.

We watched the first presidential debate last night between Joe Biden and Donald Trump.  Oh my goodness, it was awful. In the words of Craig (my brother), it was like watching a 3-year-old arguing with a 200-year-old man.  In the words of one of my facebook friends, "It was like watching an oompa loompa throwing punches at an old man.".  It was so hard to watch.  I have struggled so much about who I want to vote for.  I feel like President Trump is a jerk and he has no respect for other people.  That really bothers me.  But I disagree with abortion.  That is what is holding me back from voting for the Democrat.  I just don't know.  I had better make up my mind soon though.