Playing Catch-up

I apologize.  I have not written in a few weeks.  Life has been crazy.  And I wasn't doing well emotionally for half the time.  I'm still dealing with some detrimental thoughts...but I'm trying to get over it.

Jon started spring break on Monday.  He had plans to build a chicken coop and we were going to get chickens this week.  Unfortunately, He fell in the backyard while cleaning out the old dog kennel/new chicken coop and he ended up breaking 3 of his toes/metatarsals.  On Friday he ended up having surgery to get pins put in.  He'll be down for another week and then on crutches for another 4 to 6 weeks after that.

The kids have one more week of school before they get 2 weeks off for their Spring Break.  Looking forward to it!  I hope we will be able to do something fun.  Even if it's just going to the park.

It's now been one year since the quarantine began.  One Year since everything was cancelled.  One year since our kids have been to school or church.  It's been a long year.  Kind of depressing at times, but it has been an overall blessing. 

The part of the year that sticks out to me the most and was the most traumatic for me was when I wanted to have another baby so badly.  I spent at least two months thinking of another baby constantly.  It was a like a seed that entered my heart and it began to swell.  My heart burned within me (and still does) with the desire for another baby.  I shed so many tears over our 6th child that will never be.  I still get really upset when I think about it and I'm brought to tears as I'm writing these words.  I yearn for another baby.  To hold another precious newborn in my arms.  My arms are aching with a longing that I will never be fulfilled.  It's the worst feeling.  Don't get me wrong, I feel very grateful for our 5 miracles that we have been blessed with already.  My yearning for another one does not diminish my love for them.  I feel like my heart is open and willing for another spirit to enter our family.  Unfortunately, Jon wasn't on the same page as me.  I couldn't convince him to let us have another one  no matter what I said or did.  There is no logical explanation why we can't have an other one.  This is why it has been so difficult for me.  Even now, after we have discussed the topic to death, I yearn to hold another baby in my arms.  I know that it would be hard for us to get pregnant.  There could be complications.  And perhaps the baby would never arrive.  But I feel like I would be okay with that.  I would feel better trying and failing than to just stop and not try at all.  I'm torn.  I just can't think about it.  I can't change this situation.  I will have to live with this aching and yearning for the remainder of my days.

Although I am trying to not let the 6th baby that Jon did not want get in the way of our relationship, I feel like there is a bit of resentment building up.  I know that it is wrong and I am in need of repentance.  I know that I need to be a better wife.  I feel like so much of my thoughts, energy, and time are spent in an effort to improve my relationship with my children and the Young Women whom I serve.  I feel like I am neglecting my marriage relationship.  I just don't know where to begin to strengthen it.  In addition, my self-confidence is so low that I have the most difficulty with this relationship.  I don't feel good about myself and I literally cannot see how anyone, even my own husband, could even love me.  I'm sorry to be writing this in our family blog.  But I figure I may as well be honest in case someone in my posterity has similar feelings.  I need to work on my self-esteem.  If I don't love myself, than I can't expect anyone else to love me either.  It's easy to feign confidence while in the presence of children, teenagers, acquaintances, or strangers.  But to continuously be in the presence of your husband or other adults, it is difficult.  It's easier for me to not associate with anyone at all than to deal with the pressure of them discovering how bad I really am.

 I know that these thoughts come from the adversary.  He uses discouragement as a tool to bring us down.  To have us take our own inner garments off so that we will end up taking off our armor of God in the process...I can't let him win.  The Devil often attacks me with a sharp knife dipped in a poison called discouragement.  This is why reading the Book of Mormon on a daily basis is so important.  If I get discouraged even with reading the Book of Mormon, I don't want to know what would happen if I didn't get that daily dose of spiritual preventative medicine.

I want to be accepted into the LVN program very badly.  I can't imagine doing anything else.  I want to serve people.  Is this selfish of me?  Am I being selfish wanting to pursue my education and career?  If I could, I would keep having baby after baby.  When my babies were young there is nowhere else I would rather be than to be with them.  And I had more babies, that's what I would do.  But since another baby is out of the picture, is it really that bad of me to have a desire to increase my education?  William is going to Kindergarten this year.  It breaks my heart.  I am not needed any longer all the time at home.  Perhaps I will be needed elsewhere.  Is this selfish of me?

Young Women stuff has been keeping me busy, both at the ward and stake level.  There is nowhere else in the church that I would rather be than serving in the Young Women program.  I love the girls.  They are absolutely amazing and they inspire me to be better every single time that I am with them.  Lizzie is one of the best!  She has saved numerous zoom activities with her wit, her musical ability, and her ability to communicate.  She is a born natural leader and I look forward to seeing what her future holds in store for her.  She is amazing!  Jon and I read some of her poems that she has written.  We were absolutely blown away at her wisdom.  She is wise far beyond her years.  She said the most amazing thing during fast and testimony meeting last week.  She said, "Prayer shouldn't only be 'ask and grant', but it should be 'ask and grow'"  Isn't that amazing insight?  Since she said that I have found myself repeating it in my mind on numerous occasions.  I feel so blessed to be able to call her my daughter.

Picture catch up!

Yesterday was nice and cloudy weather!  It rained a little bit, but not much.  The scenery around our house is so beautiful!

I've been reading the kids books every day!  I also find myself falling asleep often as I read them books.  I guess I'm not getting enough sleep?  I never feel completely rested when I wake up, but I thought that was the norm.

Lizzie was given a chemistry set from Gorman.   The kids all enjoyed watching her experiement!

William's last week with his little baby bike!

Before Jon was able to borrow a walker with a seat, he had to get around on Lizzie's pink chair with wheels!

We went to Apollo Park!

I made 36 cupcakes for the ward relief society birthday party.  They were really tasty!

Jon turned Caitlyn's pink princess bike that we got from Goodwill into a yellow and black bike for William!  He loves his new big boy bike!

Mason and I had a pine cone throwing contest outside.  Mason won so he got to make cookies!

Mason did his animal project for class on the iguana.  He made a lego model of it!

Lizzie painted this!  She is amazing!

We found a rat in our backyard - Jon was able to shoot and kill it.  Yuck!

Life is so good.  We are so blessed.  I pray every single day to be able to be an instrument in God's hands.  At times I think I'm failing.  But I do ask every single day.  I do have a desire to serve God.  I hope and pray that He will trust me to be His hands.