Feeling sad. Feeling Overwhelmed. Feeling inadequate.

 The bake sale that I mentioned in my last post skyrocketed.  I ended up making more than planned last week and this week I have so many orders that I'm stressing just thinking about it.  I had to put a stop to the orders.  If it was  not the kids' spring break, I would have not been able to do this.  I'm glad that I can do my small part...even though it was, honestly, more than I had anticipated and I'm feeling overwhelmed and inadequate to the task.

There are three different types of trials that people go through.  One, the kind that they create themselves.  Two, the kind that they experience as a result of the agency of others.  Third, the kind that Heavenly Father gives them to help them grow into who He would like them to become.  Unfortunately, I feel as if the only trials that I have ever experienced have been of the first and second variety.  The "trial of baking too many cinnamon rolls" is a trial of my own making.  However, I felt prompted to do it and I did it so that I could help someone else.  I'm trying to follow God's will.  I think Jon is upset with me, has no patience with me, and thinks that I'm foolish.  This all makes me sad.  I shouldn't say anything further, as this is a family blog and it wouldn't be helpful for me to voice all of my feelings at this time.  Let me just say that it is possible to feel utterly alone even while living in your own house with your own family.  It is possible to feel unloved, even by the person who claimed to love you enough to marry you.  Are these just my own irrational thoughts tormenting me?  Or is this the reality that I need to live with for the rest of eternity?  I don't know what I can do to feel loved and cherished...but it's my deepest desire and I yearn for it.  I'm just not good enough, worthy enough, and valued enough.  Why would someone cherish me?  Why would anyone be proud of me?  I pretend to feel good about myself, while in reality I feel very alone, inadequate, and unloved by the person whom I wish loved me the most.  I'm turning further and further into my shell, losing my confidence, and am turning into a person that I don't want to be.  It's hard for me to treat other people as they deserve to be treated when I don't feel like I'm being loved and cherished.  When I feel like I'm a burden, an annoyance, and someone who is easily replaceable.  He doesn't look at me with love and admiration any more.  Did he ever?  He feels like he's better than me.  He's smarter, more talented, more funny, more spiritual, etc.  What could I possibly contribute to our relationship?

He knows that I can't live without him, but he can easily live without me.  He doesn't need me.  It makes me terribly sad.  It's a heavy emotional burden that I have been bearing for some time now.  But I keep it all to myself.  I don't feel confident enough asking for what I need in the relationship because I don't want to force him into saying or doing something that he doesn't want to say or do.  I don't want to force him to lie.  I'm not behaving like a wife who should be cherished and loved.  Why should he look at me with love, put his arm around me, kiss me, grab my hand, compliment me, tell me I'm beautiful, etc. 

To whoever is reading this, I'm sorry for writing this.  I felt like being raw with my feelings today.  Life is not always happy...there are sad moments and feelings that sometimes overwhelm me.  My Savior, Jesus Christ, is my best friend.  He understands me.  He loves me, not matter what I have done or no matter what I look like.  I feel 100% confident in this.  He is the only one whom I can communicate clearly with.  I can tell Him everything.  He always listens.  He doesn't tell me that I'm being ridiculous.  If I tell Him that I'm feeling overwhelmed with baking cinnamon rolls, He understands.  He has sympathy for me.  He doesn't just tell me that I got myself in the situation so I had better get myself out of it.  He is there every step of the way to help me make it through.  I know that my Savior loves me.  He atoned for my sins and suffered death on the cross just for me.  Brad Wilcox said, "Remember the 'I' in CHRIST, the 'ME' in 'REDEEMER', and the 'US' in 'JESUS'."  I love my Savior.  I cherish Him and the relationship that I have been able to develop with Him over my lifetime.  Although I don't feel cherished by anyone else on Earth (aside from my children, I feel like they love me), I know that Jesus cherishes me.  As he does every single person who has ever lived or who will ever live upon the Earth.  I am so grateful for this Easter week to remember my Savior and his atoning sacrifice and ultimate Resurrection.  As Brad Wilcox said, "The story of Easter commenced in the garden of Gethsemane, continued on the cross, and culminated in the garden tomb."  Jesus rose from the dead!  He conquered spiritual and temporal death!  Because He lives, I can too.  Because He lives, I will be able to see my Mom again.  No matter how dark our Saturday's will be, Sunday will always come.  He lives...and that's the only think on Earth that truly matters.

On Thursday, as I was about to deliver my orders, I got a flat tire.  William and I had to wait nearly 2 hours for everything to be fixed.  Thank goodness for AAA!  I treated William to a Happy Meal afterwards.

This is what I dropped off on Thursday.  3 dozen cinnamon rolls, 2 dozen brownies, 2 loaves of bread.

Mason and Caitlyn have become best friends lately. They slept over at Grandma's house for 2 nights this week!  They LOVE going to Grandma's.  Lydia and James were there for one of the nights.  They had a blast!

I decided to sell this beloved Halloween Countdown calendar for Aaron's Auction.  I started the bidding at $25.  As of today, the highest bid is $50!  It took a lot of time to make, but I can make another one.  Honestly, the kids didn't use it as much as I thought they would.  It's a beautiful calendar, so I'm a little sad to see it go, but it's more sad that Aaron has cancer and can't work for a year.  Anything that I can do to help I will gladly do!

Lizzie has had something weird going on with her eyelid.  We went to the doctor this week and are hoping to get some steroid cream prescribed. 

I let the boys play with nails and scrap wood...apparently that wasn't scrap wood though so I got in trouble.  Oh well.

Here's to another week!  Easter and General Conference is next weekend.  I can hardly wait!  President Nelson released a little youtube video today about Easter.  He talked about how today was "Palm Sunday".  We can think about the palm trees...but we can also think about His PALMS.  The palms of his hands.  He has engraven us on the palms of His hands.   I love that play of words for palm sunday!