I'm Tired

 I don't know why...but I am so tired.  It was hard to get up and exercise this morning.  I just wanted to sleep.  But I exercised anyway.  I waited for Morgana to give me a call at 6:30, but she never did.

We did chores in the morning.

Eizley, a family friend, came over and played all afternoon.  It is her birthday today and she just wanted to hang out with our kids today.  They have spent so much time together that they are like siblings.

I made cinnamon rolls...partly to celebrate Eizley's birthday and partly to go with the dinner that I was bringing to my friend who just had a baby.  I dropped off dinner and was able to hold her precious little newborn.  What a joy.  There is nothing better than holding a little newborn baby, fresh out of Heaven.  I would do anything to have another opportunity to have another baby.  I am beyond grateful that I was able to have 5 babies.  They are the biggest blessings of my life.  I have never been happier than on the days that I found out that I was pregnant with them and on the days that they were each born.  Even the entire 9 months that I was pregnant with them was a gift.  To feel them move inside of me.  To feel such a connection with another human body and soul.  To feel them grow inside of you.  There is absolutely nothing better in the world.  I would do it all over again (even the hard times) in a heartbeat.  If only I could have just one more chance.

I had better get over these feelings.  I just need to move on.  I have given up on having another one.  I know that Jon doesn't want another one.  He feels 100 percent okay about being done.  I think that I will have to live with this yearning for the rest of my life.  It's tearing a whole in my heart.  It's an emptiness.  It's a yearning for something that can never be.  If Jon let me have as many kids as I wanted, I would probably have 12 kids.  I would!  I would keep having them.

A few of us used a mint facial mask this evening.  I only got pictures of Mason.







William at the dinner table.











Here's Eizley!  She turned 12 today.


These were from last night.  The kids are true country bumpkins, ha ha.





I yearn for another baby.  I yearn to see my Mom again.

I know that I will see my Mom again.  And I have faith and hope that I will be able to keep having babies in the next life and throughout eternity.

I have a long time to wait for both yearnings.

In the meantime...I will love my 5 babies as much as I can.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2021 Summary

Image
 2021...What a year! Some Highlights: I read the Book of Mormon 4 times this year (one time I finished in 29 days!) We studied the Doctrine and Covenants for Come follow Me! Lizzie Started Highschool (and seminary)! William started Kindergarten! I got depressed being home without the kids...so I got my first job in 14 years! I was called to be the ward Young Women President in January. Jon is still serving in the Bishopric, this year as the 2nd Counselor. Bryce was ordained to the office of a Deacon and serves as the Deacon Quorum President. Jon broke his foot in March and had to have surgery. Our fruit trees produced no fruit this year, which was sad. Lizzie was extremely sick for about 2 months.  She had ovarian cysts, major constipation, and valley fever! We had the opportunity to listen to two General Conferences, which are my favorite holiday's. We went to Last Vegas after Christmas 2020, we went to Utah for Kynzlee's baptism, we went to Utah for the 4th of July holiday, ...
Read more

Feeling Awful

 I feel awful about something that I did today.  Well, something that I DIDN'T do.  I feel like the worst person in the world.  I feel like horrible.  I was prompted to do something and I ignored the prompting.  It's eating me up. It's short, so I'll explain it here. I went to Relief Society today.  The first time in about three years.  I sat with Jon's Mom.  I noticed a girl sitting in front of me who was sitting alone.  I chatted with her.  I had the thought to sit next to her so she wouldn't have to sit alone, but I didn't feel like I could leave Sandy.  I didn't want to make Sandy feel bad by leaving her so I ignored the prompting.  Then I went and accompanied a song on the piano.  While I was playing I had the thought, again, that I needed to sit next to this girl.  I decided that I would sit next to her on my way back instead of sitting next to Sandy.  However, as I walked back, someone else was sittin...
Read more

The Last of the Spring Break, 2019 Posts

Image
It's been a long 2 weeks!  It's been so wonderful though and I am really not ready for the kids to go back to school tomorrow.  I love having them home and I love having our freedom and no real responsibilities.  Summer couldn't come soon enough! We found out this week that Grandpa Duncan had a stroke.  We were all so sad.  We all fasted for him and have been praying every day for his recovery.  Even 7-year-old Mason, who has never fasted before, wanted to fast for Grandpa.  He dd so well and I was so proud of him!  We can hardly wait until June when we can visit Nana and Grandpa in person. I didn't realize it, but one of the days this week I did Walmart Pick-up (where I order things on-line and then the worker brings the groceries out to my car) and accidentally ordered A TON of these chocolate eggs!  They truly are the best chocolate egg in the world, so I'm not really complaining...but what in the world are we going to do with the...
Read more