Badminton

 I had another off day today.

Maybe I need medication.

I don't know.

I was doing fine yesterday until after the kids went to bed.  And then Jon started talking about his parents and grandma moving in and I got that same familiar uncomfortable knot in my stomach and I shut down again.  I just can't do it.  I just can't think about them moving in.  I don't know why it is getting to me so badly.  I feel like the most selfish person in the world.  I know that I would feel 100 percent better about the situation if we had a bedroom for them to move into.  But we don't...and I think that is causing the stress.  The fact that they will be camping out in our living room for 6 plus months is really getting to me.  They will have no privacy, nor will we.  Our house that already feels crowded due to the pandemic and homeschooling and Jon working from home and having church from home and not being able to ever escape this space...will be even more cramped and loud than it is now.  Again, I feel so selfish for even feeling the way that I do.  They allowed Jon and I and baby Elizabeth to live with them for 3 months while we were saving up for a new home.  We owe them, don't we?  I just honestly don't know if this is the right time for us to pay them back.  I feel like the worst person in the world.

I know that they will move in.  And Jon will love it.  And the kids will love it.  I'm just the oddball out.  I'm the only one that seems to be having issues with the situation.

I wish that there was a place for me to escape to during all of this.

But there isn't.

I'm trapped in this situation.

I was completely on board when we first suggested this option for his parents.  But the more the idea festered in my mind the worse I have felt about it.  And there is no turning back.

Jon says I'm too worried about the details.  That we need to just serve and not worry so much about it.  That sounds good...but I can't deny the sick feeling in my gut that comes whenever I think about them living here.

I'm scared that this will affect my mental health and I'll suffer from anxiety even more than I do now.  I'm worried that my self-esteem is going to go down the drain even further than it already is.  I'm worried that my in-laws will finally see how bad of a mother and wife that I am.  Maybe I've been able to trick them for 14 years, but when they actually live here they will see all of my flaws.  I don't think I can handle being exposed so much.  I'm worried that the situation will affect our marriage in a negative way.  I'm worried that none of us will like each other after this is over.

I wish that I wasn't the only one feeling this way.

Oh well.

The younger three in the bath this evening:

The kids starting getting obsessed with badminton recently...well, hitting the birdie back and forth.

William and I took a short walk this evening.

More Badminton!

Caitlyn has really, really improved with her learning!  She used to really struggle with reading these numbers, but within a week she has them down pretty well!  And her reading has really improved as well.  I told Jon this and he is giving all of the credit to the "Reading Eggs" program that I signed them up for.  Well, even if Jon doesn't see it, I am going to give myself some credit as well.  I have really been working hard with her.  And she has really been focusing and she has a desire to learn.  I am very proud of her.

Jon will never see me as a real home-school mom.  He says that I'm homeschooling out of necessity, because of Covid.  Even after all of the years that I have wanted to be a home-school mom...and even the years that I have home-schooled Bryce in the past (out of necessity)...I guess I'll never be good enough to be a genuine home-school mom.  Even with all of the work that I have put in with Caitlyn this year, and all of the work that I will put in with her for the rest of the year...I guess it doesn't count.  He still doesn't see me as a home-school mom.  I wonder how things would have been different if he would have supported me in my desires to home-school.  Or to have a 6th baby, ha ha.  My desire for another baby is so strong.  I think it always will be.  I would do anything in the world to have another opportunity to hold a newborn baby.  To snuggle them in the dark quiet of the night when everyone else is sleeping.  I love babies.  Having my babies was the happiest time in my life.  I love seeing me kids grow as well.  There is nothing better than giving birth to children and watching them learn and grow.  And, in Lizzie's case, become their friend.

Anyway, I apologize that this entry was so depressing.  I needed to vent my feelings.  I'm feeling down today.  I hope that things look better in the morning.